We started rocky. It was one of the cliche things that happened to us. See, this isn’t the first time that we tried. The first time we failed yet when we found each other, we dared to try again, hoping that this moment will be our time. We were so optimistic that fate would favor us this time. We were happy. We were full of bliss. My day wouldn’t go by without you passing by my mind; yes, even when we were fighting, even when we weren’t in good mood.
It is so insane to miss someone whose memories are just abstract.
We weren’t the typical LDR. I am not sure if we had a relationship, even. It was the millennial thing- no label relationship. We were just talking- no, not talking per se, it was just an online banter. We talked over the phone for only more than an hour in our year-long ‘talking’ yet it meant the world to me. I was so invested in us. I was so excited for what the future holds for us even if there’s barely a present. It was very naive of me.
Everything was doing fine. I never think that everything will crumble. I told you before that if we get through this year, we will get through everything and I believed we could. I also believed that you believe we could. We agreed we will work for us, yet here we are halfway through 2017 and we’re acting like what happened for the past year is just an illusion for me. I frequently wonder what happened, how are you, does it pain you like it’s crushing me? Truthfully, I am not even mad at you. I understand you. I understand that what we had was difficult. I understand that having someone but not literally having someone is a losing battle. A battle against despair, longing and loneliness. I just hope you gave me much more credit that I would understand whatever reason you had. I’ve known you for a man who would stand by his words. I am devastated that I am wrong. Again. It saddens me that our second time was just like our first. A failure. And I know that I have my fair share of shortcomings. I was very clingy. I was bothered with all of the smallest things that I clearly shouldn’t have minded. And it consumed me. Uncertainty. Insecurity. I gladly embraced the connection I thought we had and held it so tight it might have smothered you. Or maybe this is the way of the universe to tell us that we are never meant for each other. This is my painful realization.
Goodbye and I wish you all the best.
ABOVE PHOTO FROM Tatiana VIA PEXELS.COM